How to Transform Our Natural Instincts to Get What We DO Want Instead of What We DON’T
We have certain instincts that we’re born with. They’re natural and are supposed to be there. These are things like security, self-esteem, and personal relationships. But what happens for many of us is that these instincts get distorted and out of proportion.
The way we talk about that in 12-step recovery is we say that that happens because we’ve acted out of our “defects of character.” One of my programs uses the term “defenses of character” which is a little softer than “defects of character.” Plus it conveys the notion that these character traits are a defensive reaction to something that happened to us. “Defects of character” makes it sound like it’s an inborn trait that can’t be changed, which is untrue.
The problem with all this is that when we’re acting out of our defenses of character, we tend to get the opposite of what we want. That’s because when we act out of our defenses of character, we typically focus on what we don’t want we end up creating that very thing.
The way this was explained to me the first time was this: let’s say you want to have a good reputation. If you’re acting out of your defenses of character though, you instead focus on what don’t want: a bad reputation. So in order to enhance your reputation because you’re so…
