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How to Stop Gossiping and Have More Authentic, Intimate Relationships
I didn’t realize that complaining about someone for years was gossip.
In hindsight, it’s pretty surprising that this didn’t register as “gossip” to me. Talking negatively behind someone’s back for years on end is pretty much the definition of gossip. But there was a lot about my thinking and behavior before 12 step recovery that was outside of my awareness. In recovery, we call that “denial.” I’ll tell you what I learned about gossip and how to stop below. But first, a tiny bit of context.
There is more than one kind of denial.
This denial I speak of is not the typical denial where we hear something and say, “that’s not true.” This is much more nuanced. Maybe we forgot parts of our childhood. Maybe we don’t see the connection between family patterns and adult behavior. Maybe we minimize the effects of dysfunctional or traumatic experiences. Mostly, this kind of denial is about believing things are “normal” or healthy when they’re actually dysfunctional.
People-pleasing is a good example of that. I used to think I was “nice.” Then I learned that people-pleasing is manipulative and dishonest. I was in complete denial about how dysfunctional it was. The same was true for gossip. Coming out of denial is important in changing long-standing behavior. You…
