How I Learned to Form Healthy Boundaries and Why I Became a Boundaries Coach

photo credit: Photography by Sissela

I learned how to form healthy boundaries within the context of 12-step recovery. I was in a program for people who grew up with relational trauma where you reparent yourselves and use the 12 steps to recover. I did that work in a small group of four women and my relationships with them were imperative to my being able to form healthy boundaries.

They helped me think through what the “right” boundaries were for me, metaphorically (and sometimes literally) holding my hand through the process. They’d also helped me think of the right language to use, the right time and place to set the boundaries, and to process all the difficult emotions that arose when setting boundaries. Something they said many times was, “Keep your hands and fingers away from the keyboard!”

I learned to “bookend” my boundary setting with them, especially in the beginning when it was new behavior, and for particularly difficult boundaries. That means I’d connect with them before and after setting the boundary, frequently so they could reassure me that I was not a bad person, that I deserved to live my life the way I wanted to, and to help me deal with my difficult emotions. It was a Godsend to have them with me.

After I got pretty good at setting boundaries, I started reading about boundaries. It…